Parenting is hard, and, fortunately, there are many resources available to help provide parents with support. Look at the calendar or bulletin board in any pediatric office, and you’ll see support groups for mothers, lactation counseling, education on healthy sleeping, education on healthy eating, and education on effective parenting. Society seems to be waking up to the idea that parenting is challenging. For any of the most common problems one might be having in one’s relationship with a child, resources are abundant.
And, yet, among these commonly found resources, conspicuously absent is any mention of parents’ relationships with each other. When a child is introduced into a relationship, the parents are forced to renegotiate their own identities and their relationship with each other. The transition from partners to parents is difficult, and there are remarkably few resources available in the community to help navigate this transition.
When I talk to parents in my clinical practice, I consistently hear the same stories. It’s easy to understand how a couple’s relationship can take a back seat. Many parents barely have time for self-care, and they have almost no time to devote to their significant others. They cannot remember the last time they went on a date and are saddened by how estranged they have become from the person with whom they built a family. More often than not, they are irritated with their partners, usually over division of labor, but often about their partners’ foibles or different parenting strategies. Behaviors that used to be endearing are now cause for resentment.
What can parents do in these circumstances? I recommend the following tips to the parents with whom I work:
Make time to talk
This is more challenging than it sounds. Between sleepless nights, getting kids out of the house, going to work, getting kids to various activities, getting home, making dinner, and going to bed, most parents are exhausted by the end of the day. Many parents feel that there is absolutely no time to connect. I typically recommend that parents schedule a regular, preferably weekly, time to talk. It may sound unromantic and overly structured, but it gets the job done, and most people find that once they get used to it, it can be extremely productive. If possible, make a date night out of it. If childcare is a problem, make it a date night at home, after the kids are asleep.
Talk about everything
Topics can include the more mundane aspects of life (bills, logistics, administrative needs for the family), but they should also include emotions and issues that have nothing to do with children. Speaking about what is important to each partner and how each partner feels about a certain issue is essential to strengthening a connection between partners. This can include sharing both positive feelings and negative feelings. Sometimes these conversations may be enjoyable, and other times they may be more difficult. Ideally, by engaging in this process, trust and a stronger sense of connection will be fostered.
Don’t wait too long to have conflicts
Resentment only festers with time. Couples who have conflicts sooner find that time between conflicts is more enjoyable when they are able to trust that their partners will not hold something in if they are upset. Having conflicts sooner builds trust and nips “stewing” in the bud. It’s ok to wait for a calm moment, but I advise couples against waiting much longer than that.
It’s ok to have occasional conflicts in front of kids
Exposing children to constant conflict is not ideal, but modeling good conflict resolution skills may be valuable for children in their future relationships. Demonstrating that love can be maintained throughout a disagreement and that conflict resolution results in stronger relationships may be beneficial for children to witness. Likewise, children who never witness their parents successfully navigate conflict may not feel as though they have the tools to resolve conflict effectively with their future partners.
Couples therapy is not a last resort
I often recommend that my clients consider couples therapy to “fine tune” aspects of an otherwise functioning relationship. Sometimes relationships are characterized by communication “misses” in which both members of a couple think they are communicating clearly but their partners are not picking up on their signals. For many couples, couples therapy can be a nice realignment and an opportunity to strengthen communication skills, even if the relationship is not “on the brink.”
Having a stable parental relationship can improve a child’s development. But, having a stable parental relationship is easier said than done. Renegotiating the parental relationship can take months or years and, of course, can change with circumstance. But, simple steps – talking to each other, hashing out conflicts respectfully, and prioritizing the relationship – can make a big difference.
David Fask, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist in Bryn Mawr, PA. He helps adults struggling with low-self esteem, anxiety, grief, and interpersonal relationships, including the transition to parenthood. He can be reached at drfask@fasktherapy.com or www.fasktherapy.com.
